Break and enter

Like Terrence Stamp, I'm back...

New toy!

There it is, ret-ro...

danger Danger DANGER

Well yes, so I've been thinking, all this stuff I've been writing down, doesn't actually make me feel any better, in fact, it probably just makes me feel a bit worse... therefore, I figured if I started writing about the good stuff, then maybe I'll start to feel better, n'est pas? This whole 'problem shared' thing is balls, because unless you share it with the person that it involves, it's not going to solve anything. Well, yes, even though I'm thinking the problems are in my head and involve just me mostly (oh how beautifully introverted) it still doesn't work.

so

I have some work! that's good, especially as I'm getting money for it, which is nice, which has paid for my last trip to Warsaw* and also gone towards a tat, about which I have now some more ideas about (after seeing this pic --> )

So yeah, although I'm being subjected to endless gay innuendos (Uranus, discharged semen... ho... ho... ho...) and being blasted with unrelenting 80s music (it wasn't a good decade) I'm actually doing something worth doing, which is nice. I'm also meeting new people and all that kinda stuff, including some of my boss's mates who are based in Bristol, where I want to go, wey hey!

On the subject of meeting new people, met rather a few the other day too, who were all well sound, and my gf got compliments about me which was ace!

Though the dance positions are still hazy, and I know what that means...

Superman

Right, so, for the first time ever... I... got... fired...

Yeah, so I get this amazing opportunity to get some experience e-x-a-c-t-l-y where I want to be, and I go and fuck it up. I remember when I said 'this is all going so incredibly well, what's going to happen to screw it all up?' but at the time I thought that it might possibly be something that was out of my control, but no, I only have myself, my ignorance, my lack of foresight and my naivety to blame.

Well I think I've beaten myself up over that far too much already, and the other stone in my shoe is in my mind an ever-changing enigma, one which I can't and am unable to iron out for fear of burning a hole...

yeah, I'll leave it at that for the time being.

However, I just wish I could calm down and be how I normally am, and just wait and see what happens, there's no rush, is there? If I just chill out and sit back, let things take their course, will I miss a boat?

...

Fuzzy wuzzy (that's Fugazi to everyone else)

and so it is... just... yadda schtum.

Open mic - seemed to go well, credit to Seren here as she's a wicked singer, but aside from it going well it was pretty awesome to a-c-t-u-a-l-l-y start feeling some confidence about something. It's been fucking ages since I've had any confidence in anything (it seems) so this felt fucking awesome, even when up there alone... I know I've a way to go, and I'm so glad I fucking love doing it! (though not when I screw up, though I just find that kinda funny).

Another pretty awesome point was that friends of mine/ours were there and they said they were well impressed, and that means the world to me, it really does. I don't live to impress others, but just hearing someone say something to me that they don't have to say really does have an impact on me... even my gay housemate said something! and I don't think he's ever given me a compliment in his life!! get in!

So, onto slightly gloomier matters (parental advisory... ish... ok... none)

My Father - Still alive, freaking wicked (not that there's any debate about that any more) but however he's recently taken up one of his old hobbies again! Drinking! How freakin wonderful, beats cancer second time round and then celebrates by drinking himself into a hazy stupor whilst still thinking that he's stone cold (not Steve Austin) then talking to people on the phone who call up the next day thinking he was ill! I think my biggest fear is that he'll go off driving somewhere, thinking he's far more in control than he actually is and end up wiping himself, or someone else, off the face of the earth. There's no telling him, there really isn't...

I can see where my mum's fears come from when I take a bottle of wine upstairs, but I don't do it alone, and I have total control over what I do.

Lent

Give something up? rubbish! I tried that a couple years ago, didn't really work, but I thought (briefly) that I should give up caring... not about other people, of course, just about the things which are vexing me, but then I thought that that would be being a coward... I really don't know where I'm going...

AND my insides are still floating, in zero gravity... most of what I said in the last post about the other matter still stands ('stands'... how ironic) though much much much more is now on paper, just my buggered up head can't read...

Oh, and I'm now (slowly) learning another language, chi chi chi

Piratas de los Carribinos

You know when you're friends with someone, and you have been for some time? Well have any of you been in the situation where they 'find' new friends? Well that's what is happening at the moment, which is a bit gash, but I think it's a confidence thing.

Anyway, I'm gonna buy some chinese :D

So is this what it's all about

Let me first start off by saying that if anyone I know reads this, then please keep it to yourself, I deeply value the opinions of my closest freinds, and you know who you are, but there comes a time when it's good to let some things out to the open, and this is it, and that's where it should stay... in the open, with no reflections, but no dampeners.

So I turned 24... imagine that? But it's made me think, what exactly about, I'm not sure, and whether it's the fact I'm slightly drunk, maybe it's that I'm listening to oceansize and Mono (the astute of you will see the reference here), or whether the latest episode of the OC touched me in ways that a (newly) 24 yr old male shouldn't be touched (so says society) or something else... nonetheless I have started to think, what's going on?

I'm a little adrift, and as much as I like spontenaity (and being adrift seems to be a part of that too) this just doesn't feel right, like the argonauts (perhaps) as they set off on a voyage that most of them didn't return from.

Ok, I'll give you (whoever you may be, if you are reading this, I shall call you Fabienne, I'm not sure why, but that's the name of my French 'pen pal' on all those letters I had to write way back in the day - you know the kind, the ones that don't get posted) a background to me, as if you are reading this, then it's unlikely that you will personally know me.

I've just graduated, which is excellent, in a degree (or from?) which I didn't try particularily hard but managed to get a good result, and am now working in London during the week doing work experience for a composer who is helping me out as I try to jam my foot in the door of the music industry... and it's a bloody heavy door.

During the weekends I'm working at Virgin... again, for the money as my work ex in unpaid, unsurprisingly, and that's all shits and giggles, though Rach has left since I last worked there (about 2 years ago) which is a bit rubbish as she was well sound.

enough about that, tonight... it was my birthday yesterday (the 24 thing) and it crept up on me without so much as a broken twig underfoot, and seemed to pass much the same, which sounds like I'm lamenting the fact, but that's fine by me. I've never been a great fan of being the centre of attention, and if I had to be, I'd rather be in a group of people who are all equally in the 'eye' (an obvious example here would be a group). As such, my birthdays I've always prefered a quieter affair where my nearest and dearest have a good time... presence is preferable to presents.

but this time felt different...