Right, so, for the first time ever... I... got... fired...
Yeah, so I get this amazing opportunity to get some experience e-x-a-c-t-l-y where I want to be, and I go and fuck it up. I remember when I said 'this is all going so incredibly well, what's going to happen to screw it all up?' but at the time I thought that it might possibly be something that was out of my control, but no, I only have myself, my ignorance, my lack of foresight and my naivety to blame.
Well I think I've beaten myself up over that far too much already, and the other stone in my shoe is in my mind an ever-changing enigma, one which I can't and am unable to iron out for fear of burning a hole...
yeah, I'll leave it at that for the time being.
However, I just wish I could calm down and be how I normally am, and just wait and see what happens, there's no rush, is there? If I just chill out and sit back, let things take their course, will I miss a boat?
...
Wednesday 7 March 2007
Saturday 3 March 2007
Fuzzy wuzzy (that's Fugazi to everyone else)
and so it is... just... yadda schtum.
Open mic - seemed to go well, credit to Seren here as she's a wicked singer, but aside from it going well it was pretty awesome to a-c-t-u-a-l-l-y start feeling some confidence about something. It's been fucking ages since I've had any confidence in anything (it seems) so this felt fucking awesome, even when up there alone... I know I've a way to go, and I'm so glad I fucking love doing it! (though not when I screw up, though I just find that kinda funny).
Another pretty awesome point was that friends of mine/ours were there and they said they were well impressed, and that means the world to me, it really does. I don't live to impress others, but just hearing someone say something to me that they don't have to say really does have an impact on me... even my gay housemate said something! and I don't think he's ever given me a compliment in his life!! get in!
My Father - Still alive, freaking wicked (not that there's any debate about that any more) but however he's recently taken up one of his old hobbies again! Drinking! How freakin wonderful, beats cancer second time round and then celebrates by drinking himself into a hazy stupor whilst still thinking that he's stone cold (not Steve Austin) then talking to people on the phone who call up the next day thinking he was ill! I think my biggest fear is that he'll go off driving somewhere, thinking he's far more in control than he actually is and end up wiping himself, or someone else, off the face of the earth. There's no telling him, there really isn't...
I can see where my mum's fears come from when I take a bottle of wine upstairs, but I don't do it alone, and I have total control over what I do.
Give something up? rubbish! I tried that a couple years ago, didn't really work, but I thought (briefly) that I should give up caring... not about other people, of course, just about the things which are vexing me, but then I thought that that would be being a coward... I really don't know where I'm going...
AND my insides are still floating, in zero gravity... most of what I said in the last post about the other matter still stands ('stands'... how ironic) though much much much more is now on paper, just my buggered up head can't read...
Oh, and I'm now (slowly) learning another language, chi chi chi
Open mic - seemed to go well, credit to Seren here as she's a wicked singer, but aside from it going well it was pretty awesome to a-c-t-u-a-l-l-y start feeling some confidence about something. It's been fucking ages since I've had any confidence in anything (it seems) so this felt fucking awesome, even when up there alone... I know I've a way to go, and I'm so glad I fucking love doing it! (though not when I screw up, though I just find that kinda funny).
Another pretty awesome point was that friends of mine/ours were there and they said they were well impressed, and that means the world to me, it really does. I don't live to impress others, but just hearing someone say something to me that they don't have to say really does have an impact on me... even my gay housemate said something! and I don't think he's ever given me a compliment in his life!! get in!
So, onto slightly gloomier matters (parental advisory... ish... ok... none)
My Father - Still alive, freaking wicked (not that there's any debate about that any more) but however he's recently taken up one of his old hobbies again! Drinking! How freakin wonderful, beats cancer second time round and then celebrates by drinking himself into a hazy stupor whilst still thinking that he's stone cold (not Steve Austin) then talking to people on the phone who call up the next day thinking he was ill! I think my biggest fear is that he'll go off driving somewhere, thinking he's far more in control than he actually is and end up wiping himself, or someone else, off the face of the earth. There's no telling him, there really isn't...
I can see where my mum's fears come from when I take a bottle of wine upstairs, but I don't do it alone, and I have total control over what I do.
Lent
Give something up? rubbish! I tried that a couple years ago, didn't really work, but I thought (briefly) that I should give up caring... not about other people, of course, just about the things which are vexing me, but then I thought that that would be being a coward... I really don't know where I'm going...
AND my insides are still floating, in zero gravity... most of what I said in the last post about the other matter still stands ('stands'... how ironic) though much much much more is now on paper, just my buggered up head can't read...
Oh, and I'm now (slowly) learning another language, chi chi chi
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